Women and Negotiation: lessons I learned the hard way
Giving my first TEDx Talk about the Future of Education
It’s no secret that women negotiate much less than men in life, especially with regard to their careers.
Jennifer Lawrence, the brightest and most sought-after star in Hollywood in recent years, has talked about this in her letter “Why I’m paid less than my female co-star.” The “pandemic of pay inequality” was also echoed by Robin Wright, famous female co-star of the Netflix show “House of Cards” who demands to be paid equally half way through the series. Multiple articles and studies have been done on this. According to one study: “7% of women negotiate while 57% of men do so, for the same job.” The result? For every dollar a man earns, a woman is paid 79 cents. Even among MBA graduates of the same rank, women are paid 7.6% less than men for the same job. This means women will have to work 8 more years of their life to get to the same level of income men get towards retirement.
Why do women negotiate less than men, you might ask?
Anecdotally, we’ve learned that women are more “harmonious” and “understanding.” As women, we don’t want to appear “spoiled”, “aggressive” or even “misunderstood.” We tend to rationalize decisions by lowering our expectations in the first place, telling ourselves lies and statements that grossly underrate our own capacity and overrate the authority’s power. We want to play it safe by taking a “lesser” option rather than having no option at all.
Before you think this is a success story about “Why and how I overcome my fear of negotiating,” let me tell you straight: I have not. Having been made aware of this since I started this very feminist publication, I nonetheless have made multiple negotiating mistakes in my career, for fear of risking reputation, harmony, or job prospects (if I even negotiate at all.) But I like to think I’m getting better at this by following a few tips I have learned from my own mistakes. And so should you.
First, do your research.
This sounds like the most rudimentary advice but surprisingly, not many of us even think that there might be a gap in the job offer and market rate in the first place! I know I have not in the past. With the internet of more and more transparent information, you can learn not just about compensation range across different job types, industries, and locations, but also legal obligations like health insurance and other benefits. Websites like Glassdoor, LinkedIn, Quora,or Angel List exist not just to dispute Theranos scandal or give nice book recommendations. (The links I embedded include a lot of rich information when it comes to salary negotiation.) Be prepared with solid knowledge from your research so you can counter with proactive statements like “I know”, “I want”, “I would like” rather than ambiguous statements such as “I feel”, “I think”, or “I hope.”
Second, stand your ground and know your worth.
This might be harder to do, especially for young professionals or first-time employees, for lack of information. However, how are you supposed to know your worth unless you have fought for it? Remember, this lack of information goes both ways too. The employer knows about you as much as you know about them. How much you ask also signals to the employer how much you can actually do. So, instead of emphasizing on the ambivalence of your actual worth and bet on the fairness of your employer, you should bet on yourself. As expectations drive outcomes, you will work towards it and earn your worth.
Third, think creatively and holistically about negotiation.
What can you negotiate besides salary? Some people, myself included, care much less about money than other factors such as flexibility and meaning/impact. In this case, provide your employer with a list of “asks” so there are options for them to choose from. Memorize the lists, understand what you can leverage and what they need help with. Ask yourself: What is the medium income expected for someone in this role? What about that of a top performer? Do you prefer cash or equity? What’s the difference between a full-time employee and an independent contractor? Are they legally required to provide you with insurance benefits? Questions like that will allow you to broaden your thinking and ensure fairness for both sides.
Ultimately, negotiation is an exercise that requires a kind of mental shift for some women. Instead of focusing on reputation, harmony, or insecurity, we should value fairness, strength, and possibility. Be prepared to compromise, but also don’t be afraid to walk away. Sometimes in life, the best door opens when all other doors seem closed.
