Mother’s Day can be complicated, and it’s okay

FamilyGrowthMotherhoodFeminismLife Lessons

May 12

Mother’s Day can be incredibly complicated. Ever since I became a mother, my mom heart truly became sensitive for those who never had a good relationship with their own mother, those who lost their mother, those who want so bad to be mother but can’t, those who don’t want to be mother, those whose children are no longer earth bound with them, those who find this day ridiculous for various reasons: the societal expectation, the disappointment and loss, the over commercialization of it all.

My mom had me very young, when she just turned 22. She lost her mom, my bà ngoại, less than 6 years after my birth and 2 years before my brother was born. My grandma raised 4 children as a single mom- she died young at the age of 58. It took a long time for my mom to heal from this permanent loss of her only parent figure. I guess that’s why she always thought she’s “fearful” of raising children and grandchildren, despite the fact that she’s the best mother for us both and I owe everything I am to her. To this day she’s still puzzled that I want to have more than 2 kids. She suffers generation trauma so I didn’t have to.

*Left: My mom perhaps a few years before she became a mom*

*My grandma with her 3 daughters, missing my estranged uncle*

My dad’s mom, my bà nội, lost her only daughter and eldest child of four who was barely 13 years old, at age 33/34- my age right now. I can’t even fathom. She needed to go on still because she still had 3 boys and a husband to feed. I’ve talked to my grandpa many times about the loss of my aunt. But I don’t remember ever talking to my grandma about it. My grandpa is poetic. My grandma is more practical and less touchy feely. Yet it’s not hard for me to imagine that she probably never healed from losing her only daughter and had to bring her pain with her to the graves. I still regret not having ever asked her to this day.

*My grandma with her 3 sons, missing my late aunt who passed away before her 13th birthday*

I breastfed Norah until she was 31 months old. When Norah was about 15/16 months old, we had the first ever Mother’s Day I remember (it’s not a day Vietnamese people celebrate and I was probably too high on hormones the year prior to care). I remember feeling very sad, and simultaneously guilty. We had married in a hurry, never had a wedding. Norah was young and still breastfeeding. When push came to shove, I’d have to be the parent going home in the middle of a wedding with a crying baby, who was quite literally attached to me. I wasn’t gonna be the parent dancing or celebrating. I felt uncelebrated. I wrote a poem called “when they say you are a good mother”.

Left: *Breastfeeding norah on Mother’s Day 2018*

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom. It’s my true honor and gift of a lifetime to be gifted this role. I’m showered with love by my kids everyday, not just this day.

Yet, I find myself in a weird mood on this day always. I can imagine the many women before me and after me to also battle with some similar feelings. You are not alone. Give yourself some grace and your inner child a lot of love on a day like today.

Bonus, some pictures of a few mothers who are endlessly inspirational to me.